Gram

Well, I was sitting here this evening watching "Super Nanny" and of course the parent that nanny was helping was someone who recently lost her husband, well that of course brought up gram's death - something that quite truthfully I have not dealt with but have had no time because I always have to be cheerful and perfect in and around everyone that I know.

One of the first exercises the nanny did with the mom was to get the anger out and it hit me that I am angry with gram ... ... well after the show was over I went out to the kitchen and had a cigarette and screamed and cried about my anger that has just been sitting in my soul and churning but not going any where.

I am angry with gram for the following things ... ... they do not need to make sense to anyone but me and to me they make sense ... ... ...

I am angry that we were not one the best of terms when she had passed away ... ...

I am angry that she left me ... ...

I am angry that she will not see her great grandchildren grow up, graduate high school, fall in love, get married, have their own kids, and stumble through life as we all do ... ...

I am angry that she left and mom and I are now responsible for pap and his health ... ...

I am angry that she is not there when I make something new and go to call her to tell her about it ... ...

I am angry that she will never hold her great great grandchildren ... ...

I am angry for all the family stories that she told us through out the years but that none of us wrote down ... ...

and

I am angry that she seemed to just give up at the end.

She was an amazing woman who we all will carry in our hearts and souls every day. Seven years ago she was diagnosed as a renal failure patient. This diagnosis came after days in the hospital and when the doctors had almost given up as to the cause of her woes as she had never had any health issues prior to this. The doctors were so concerned that she would need dialysis very soon that they began the process of installing a port in her upper left arm. They were afraid that it would not even have the time to cure before dialysis would be our only option. Not so ... ... she FOUGHT and through a strict diet she held off for 3 years before she had to begin dialysis. Then she went to the doctor and her numbers were dropping again so dialysis was scheduled. She would go 3 times a week for 3 hours each time. She went those days to dialysis and then before going to work she would stop by my house and have a cup of tea and an egg sandwich. She hated that she missed even a small amount of work and refused to go home to lay down even on the days where she was hardly functioning. She continued to FIGHT. Then as if being on dialysis were not enough for her to fight, she was diagnosed with Stage 4 breast cancer 2 years ago. She had noticed a lump just before Christmas but did not want to ruin any one's Christmas so she kept it to herself until after the new year. She was scheduled for a double mastectomy immediately where not only did she loose both breasts but also some lymph nodes that were cancerous. As soon as her wounds were healed she began the battle of chemo. She was still working full time and refused to allow her illness to interrupt her working so she worked all week long and went for chemo on Friday afternoons. The first few rounds of chemo went OK. She had to wait longer to get the next treatment but we were warned of that in the beginning because of her counts. Well, then she contracted a blood disease and was hospitalized. While in the hospital she just kept FIGHTING ... ... fighting everyone and everything. I can not tell you the number of times that she would argue about having to stay there another day. At one point she was arguing with me and I told her she was staying there and that was the end of it well she looked at me and said that CP would help her get out. When she was released she was still very ill and we convinced her to take a short term disability from work until she was through the chemo. Although she was not happy about it, she did take some time. And by October she not only finished chemo but also radiation and pronounced cancer free!!!!! Well we all thought that the war was over but boy were we wrong ... ... this had just been one very long battle to begin the war. Shortly after finishing radiation she just was not feeling well, she was short of breath a lot and during dialysis her heart rate was really going weird. Well thanks to the treatments to get rid of the cancer she was sicker than before. The chemo killed her heart and she barely had 25% usage of her heart and the radiation had burned a hole in her lungs. She FOUGHT these diagnosis' off and on through going back to work, numerous trips to the ER, some hospital stays and even another disability leave. She kept FIGHTING, she was not ready to leave us ... ... she had plans and by goddess she was going to grow old with my grandfather and hold her great great grandchildren. Then she goes into the ER for the last time. She was diagnosed with pneumonia but that was only the beginning. She began having trouble breathing and then her heart stopped. She spent a week and a half in ICU but quite truthfully I feel like she gave up ... ... she no longer had no will to fight.

So, yeah before screaming in the kitchen and writing this I was damn angry with her but I do know that she is no longer in pain and although the adjustments in our lives are massive right now we will all give through it with the love and support of each other. Do I wish that she was still here - DAMN STRAIGHT but only if she would of been healthy once again, there is no way that I could see her fight any more.

I love you gram!!!!!

I'm Blogging!

Well, although I am only 29 I have never gotten into writing my own blog ... ... I read others but never have had my own. I decided that I needed to have my own and get word out there about my life and things that go on as well as things I find.

I hope that you find this somewhat interesting and if not, OH WELL!!!!! It will be no skin off my back. LOL